What the Hell is Gamer Grub?

Earlier today, when I was clicking through the Penny Arcade archive, I came across a comic strip lambasting something called “Gamer Grub,” which appeared to be a brand of snack food targeted exclusively at the video gaming set. Naturally, my interest was piqued. I just had to know what this stuff was, and the search was on. Four seconds later, I found myself at the Gamer Grub website. Well, to be realistic, it only took me about two seconds to actually get to the bloody site and the other two were spent pondering why I gave a fuck about something that touts itself as “the first performance snack formulated especially for gamers.”

According to the product’s website, the benefits of Gamer Grub include—but surely aren’t limited to—“great tasting flavors,” “ergonomic packaging,” “no keyboard crumbs” and “no greasy fingers.” Ergonomic packaging? Sure, I’ll give them that. The canisters that this stuff comes in look easy to wrap your hand around, leaving your other hand free for World of Warcraft or any other one-handed activity (such as high-fiving your grandmother, flipping off your dog or whatever other demanding one-handed activities you can think of). The cup-like packaging will prevent crumbs from falling onto your keyboard—unlike those asshole potato chip bags—and your fingers are left grease-free because you never have to touch the stuff. But “great tasting flavors?” Let’s review:

Action Pizza: “A great tasting, healthy pizza blend with a satisfying crunch.” (WTF is a “healthy pizza blend?”)

Racing Wasabi: “Wasabi and honey mustard? Trust us—the combination creates a crunchy, mouth-watering bite. Watch out, it’s addictive!” (Lolz! I will!)

Strategy Chocolate: “A sweet chocolate and cherry sensation, velvety in taste for deep thought. Tell us how you like it; we ate all our samples.” (I’ll take their word for it.)

Sports PB&J: “No need to get out of your seat and stop playing to make a PB&J sandwich. Just pop open a can and continue to play. Your taste buds will not know the difference.” (Yep, because the last thing anyone interested in athletics wants to do is something as demanding as GETTING OFF THE COUCH TO MAKE A SANDWICH!)

It’s a good thing that Gamer Grub doesn’t get crumbs on the keyboard, because most people choking it down when it hits retailers will be too worried about cleaning the vomit out from underneath the caps lock. Hell, I’m nauseated just reading about the stuff. Not only is the concept insulting to gamers—who have come a long way from the basement-dwelling, sedentary losers that we’re often depicted as—but the fact that Biosilo Foods seems to have randomly assigned flavors to different gaming genres is a mystery to me. What if I’m a strategy gamer and I love pizza? What if I enjoy Mario Kart Wii but can’t stand wasabi? Why must you mock me, Gamer Grub?

I needed to read up on the “science” behind Gamer Grub, and learned that this stuff includes a blend of vitamins and minerals that “supports fast reaction times for maximum gaming performance.” You know what else promotes “maximum gaming performance?” Actual meals. And sleep.

Are you hungry? Put down the controller for five minutes and make a sandwich. Have we gotten to the point where we can’t tear ourselves away from Call of Duty 4 long enough to take care of basic human needs? Wake me up when they start marketing D-Pad Diapers for those all-night Gears of War sessions.

Read all about Gamer Grub by clicking here.