The Best Christmas Movies Not About Christmas

Merry Christmas, Wortmaniacs! If you’re like me, the holidays just aren’t complete without watching some classic Yuletide films. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, Home Alone, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Scrooged, Bad Santa and Elf are required yearly viewing as far as I’m concerned, but many of the best Christmas flicks out there aren’t directly related to the holiday at all. Grab a glass of eggnog and peruse this handy (and non-paginated) list of my favorite Christmas movies that aren’t technically Christmas movies.

5) Trading Places (1983)
John Landis’ Trading Places, the story of a commodities broker (Dan Aykroyd) and a homeless man (Eddie Murphy) switching lives as part of a bet/social experiment, is a film that always makes me nostalgic for a time when Eddie Murphy was one of the funniest comedians around. The film takes place from Thanksgiving to New Year’s, and might be the only time we’ll ever get to see a Santa suit-clad Dan Aykroyd eating salmon on a bus.

4) Rocky IV (1985)
Leave it to ol’ Sly Stallone to cram the Cold War, Kenny Loggins, and a robot that sings “Happy Birthday” into an uber-patriotic Christmas package that’s worth opening early. Although Christmas has been a part of the Rocky series from the beginning, this film pitted the titular Italian Stallion against Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) in Russia on Christmas Day. By defeating Drago and garnering respect from America’s enemies, Rocky Balboa taught us all how to love. And isn’t that what the holidays are all about? Guys? Hello?

3) Batman Returns (1992)
Between Lee Bermejo’s Batman: Noël, the Christmas setting of the Arkham Origins video game and just about everything in Tim Burton’s Batman Returns, The Dark Knight just might be a bigger Christmas icon than Frosty the Snowman. This 1992 sequel to Burton’s Batman kicks off with a villainous attack during a Gotham City tree-lighting and ends with The Penguin (Danny DeVito) hatching a twisted Christmas Eve plan to abduct and drown children. ‘Tis the season, amirite?

But most importantly, Batman Returns taught us one of the most important lessons of the season: No matter how delicious it looks, don’t eat mistletoe. It’ll probably kill you.

2) Die Hard (1988)
“Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.” — John McClane

Office Christmas parties tend to get out of hand, but there’s usually a lot less shooting and explosions involved. John McTiernan’s classic Die Hard pits grizzled New York cop John McClane (Bruce Willis) against terrorists in a Los Angeles skyscraper on Christmas Eve. There’s little about the premise that screams “Santa,” but the film’s constant holiday allusions makes it a must-watch when the weather outside is frightful.

1) Gremlins (1984)
Christmas served as the backdrop for Joe Dante’s too-terrifying-for-children tale of a furry (and toyetic) holiday pet that spawns legions of mischievous monsters that terrorize a Norman Rockwell-esque small town. The chaos caused by these demonic green abominations is not all that dissimilar to what one might find at Target during the holidays, but at least no one in the film runs the risk of having their credit card information stolen. Zing!

The Italian Stallion in the Millennium Falcon?

It’s pretty safe to say that Star Wars would have been a lot different if Sylvester Stallone—not Harrison Ford—had played rogue smuggler-turned-hero Han Solo. But guess what? It very well could have happened.

In an Ain’t It Cool News Q&A session, one fan asked the iconic action star if there was any truth behind rumors that he auditioned for the role of Han Solo in the original Star Wars film. Sly confirmed this speculation, explaining that his audition “didn’t meet with much approval” and that when he stood in front of George Lucas, the Star Wars creator didn’t look at him once.

Stallone added, “[B]ut it all worked out for the best, since I don’t look good in spandex holding a ray gun.”

You can’t argue with him there. Plus, it’s hard to picture the likes of Rocky Balboa or John Rambo putting up with Ewoks.

Stallone’s latest film, The Expendables, opens August 13.

You Didn’t Think We’d Really Seen the Last of Rambo, Did You?

Harry Knowles over at Ain’t It Cool News reports that Sylvester Stallone is readying yet another Rambo movie called Rambo V: The Savage Hunt. Is this a good thing? Well, if you’re like me and loved the hell out of 2008’s blood-soaked Rambo, then you might be interested in what ol’ Sly has in mind for John Rambo’s fifth outing on the silver screen. What’s really fascinating—or damning, depending on what you think a Rambo movie should be—is that this movie apparently introduces a sci-fi element to the series. No, it’s not Rambo in Space. But, then again, I’ve heard worse ideas.

Set in the Pacific Northwest, the film teams Rambo with special ops soldiers to track down an escaped U.S. military experiment, which Stallone describes in a voicemail to Knowles as a “feral beast” that is an “amalgamation of fury and intelligence and pure, unadulterated rage.” So he's fighting monsters now?

I’m not quite sure if this will work for a lot of people, but after Rocky Balboa and Rambo, Stallone seems to have a handle on his characters these days. However, as over-the-top as the last three hyper-violent Rambo films were, they were at least grounded in something resembling reality. This sounds a bit like Rambo Vs. Predator.

Click here to read more about the film and to listen to Stallone’s voicemail in its entirety.