Super Smash Bros. Brawl: A Wort Report Review

Ahh Super Smash Bros. Brawl. This crown jewel of Nintendo’s library is now in our sweaty grasps after months and months of delays and promises. The hip thing to do would be to bash this third installment in the series, claiming it doesn’t live up to the ridiculous amount of hype leading up to its March 9 release date. But I can’t. What I can do is follow up this delayed release with a delayed review. So here I am, nearly two weeks later. How do you like them apples, Nintendo?

In all seriousness—and one struggles with seriousness when writing about a game that pits a yellow electric rat against an anthropomorphic fox in a flight suit—this is an incredible game, and is easily the best Wii release thus far. If you haven’t bought a Wii yet…dude, what are you waiting for?

For the uninitiated and therefore more attractive and popular, Super Smash Bros. Brawl allows just about every Nintendo mascot to beat the polygons out of one another in a fight to the finish. Knock your opponent off the platform and you win. Wash, rinse, repeat and never sleep.

If you’re the type of Smash Bros. fanatic that I am, you may have waited outside your local GameStop the night of March 8 to be among the first to crack the game’s case and start brawling when the game went on sale at midnight. For myself and my good friend and fellow brawler Andrew Metzger, actually purchasing the game turned out to be more of a hassle than the game’s Subspace Emissary adventure mode (I’ll get to that later). Braving intense cold and fanboys in disturbing homemade costumes, we finally walked away with our copies nearly two hours later. No one slept until well after dawn. Yep. Smash ‘Til Dawn. Nothing better on a Saturday night than a good ol’ S.T.D. Ah. Now I see the problem with that acronym.

I suspect many gamers fueled by sugary energy drinks spent quite a few bleary-eyed hours brawling that night, both in-person and online thanks to the newly implemented Nintendo Wi-Fi multiplayer. That is, if they can get it to work. Yes, those hoping for an online experience that in any way duplicates the simplified matchmaking of Xbox Live will be sorely disappointed. It seems that Nintendo just didn’t anticipate the tremendous amount of online traffic that this game is currently generating. With Mario Kart coming out in mere weeks, I hope they get it together soon.

While online play can be spotty—particularly when playing with total strangers—the in-person multiplayer value in Brawl is phenomenal. There are plenty of options that you can play around with, in addition to multiple game types, usable items, stages and control types. You can play with the standalone Wii Remote, Wii Remote with nunchuk attachment, the Classic Controller or even your old Gamecube Controllers will do just fine. The standalone remote configuration is a little weak due to the lack of a separate jump button, but all of them seem to work pretty well. Try each one at least once to see which is the best for you.

Speaking of choice, let’s talk characters. All of your favorites return—including Mario, Link, Donkey Kong, Kirby, Pikachu, Samus, Captain Falcon, Fox McCloud and many others—and fans will also be pleased to learn that there are several new combatants to master, including Meta Knight, King Dedede (both from the Kirby series), a Pokémon trainer (from Pokémon), Wario (from the Wario Ware games), Olimar (from the Pikmin series) and Pit (from Kid Icarus). Two of the most surprising additions are Sonic the Hedgehog and Solid Snake (from Metal Gear Solid), both from non-Nintendo franchises. You’ll have to work to get them though, which may mean mixing it up a tad in Subspace Emissary.

And that brings me to my one and only legitimate gripe about this game. I understand that when creating a benchmark game such as this, most developers feel obligated to include a single-player story mode, tying everything together. Subspace Emissary attempts to do just that, although the entire thing just feels so unnecessary. Sure, it’s fun to see Pikachu and Samus Aran interact, but playing a cumbersome, lengthy side-scrolling beat-em-up just feels so hollow. It can be rewarding at times, but the same can be said of vacuuming. And both activities are major chores. You’ll play through this mode to earn trophies and additional characters, but you’ll never touch it again once you finish it.

Despite this singular gripe—which is pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of things—any self-respecting gamer will be playing this game for years to come. It’s fun, it’s easy to pick up, and it continues a ten-year legacy of gaming goodness. Solid gameplay, loveable characters and simple-yet-satisfying controls make Super Smash Bros. Brawl the game to beat this spring.

Get Doc Brown on the Phone!

I think an archived New York Times piece may be proof that I am fully capable of time travel. Take a look at this July 22, 1858 police blotter:

POLICE.-CHRISTOPER MEYER was fined $10, yesterday, for having. on Monday, stolen a child's hat out of the sitting room at the Jersey City Ferry. In default of payment, he was sent to jail for ten days. ACCIDENT.-JAMES WORTMAN, while passing up Montgomery-street, on Tuesday evening, in a state of intoxication, ran against a lamp-post with such force as to fracture his collar bone. He was taken to his boarding house in South Third-street.

Who doesn't want to party with 1850's James Wortman?

The Cake is a Lie

I know I’m saying nothing that hasn’t already been said by countless others, but I really must congratulate the team at Valve for their fine, fine work on Portal, one of the most satisfying games I’ve ever had the privilege to experience.

Bundled as part of The Orange Box—which also includes the phenomenal Half-Life 2, both of its current expansion packs and the multiplayer shooter Team Fortress 2—Portal redefines what it means to be a shooter. In it, you play as the silent protagonist Chell as you make your way through a series of puzzles in the Aperture Science Enrichment Center armed only with a “portal gun.” This gun allows you to create doorways for yourself to pass through and solve each of the game’s 19 chambers. But are things really as they seem? And what’s the deal with GLaDOS (Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System), the artificial intelligence with the eerily soothing voice that provides the only exposition you’re going to find in this stripped-down game? Why am I so attached to my Weighted Companion Cube? And what’s the deal with the promise of cake at the test’s conclusion?

This is exactly the kind of title that the gaming community needs to herald as an artistic approach to interactive entertainment. Like BioShock and Mass Effect before it, Portal is a masterpiece. Fortunately The Orange Box is multiplatform, so just about anyone can jump in. And out. And in again. If you’d played the game, that last statement would be hilarious, or at least mildly amusing for its allusion to portal technology. As is, it just seems kind of creepy.

Speaking of creepy, this game has one of the oddest end-credit songs you’re likely to hear anytime soon. It's awesome, but I have no idea why. I also kind of want it on my iPod.

The Orange Box is a must-buy for this title alone. All of the other gaming goodness packed into this $60 bundle doesn’t hurt either.