James Wortman and the Raiders of the Lost Internet

In honor of this weekend’s release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I found it fitting to scour the Internet for some of the earliest Indiana Jones fan discussion and I found this gem from the Well of Souls online fan community, posted on May 24, 1984—one day after Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom hit theaters. Here’s what AspSallah81 had to say about the film.

I just got back from the Temple of Doom screening, and it’s just as we all feared: this movie has completely ruined the Indiana Jones series. Why would George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford reteam for a film that completely destroys the mythology established in the first film? What began as a jaunty homage to 1930s serials has turned into a hokey, predictable excuse to bombard audiences with special effects, irritating characters and disgusting gross-out humor. I mean, Indian royalty feasting on monkey brains, beetles and eyeball soup? People getting their hearts torn out and set on fire? Giant vampire bats that are clearly fruit bats? This movie insults your intelligence at every turn. Others in attendance seemed to be enjoying themselves throughout, particularly the mine-cart chase and the rope bridge scene, but these people are probably the popcorn munching imbeciles that will line up for that abyssmal Ghostbusters movie that hits theaters next month.

After waiting three long years, don’t us longtime Indy fans deserve better than this dark-for-the-sake-of-being-dark sequel ? Oh wait, it’s not a sequel. Doom actually takes place prior to Raiders, making it a “pre-sequel” or whatever you want to call it. A prequel? Is that a word? The Star Wars trilogy gave us two sequels and the Indy films should have followed suit. I mean, who would have cared about what happens before the original Star Wars? I’m surprised someone like George Lucas would pull a stunt like this.

You know, fanboy griping seems kind of petty and pointless when viewed in retrospect. Thank goodness the Internet has evolved over the last few years. Oh, wait…[reads "fan" reactions to Crystal Skull]...nevermind.